So here I am trying to throw the net open on my life and learn to trust and sometimes… completely missing the point. Here is my latest post.
There was a woman who I used to buy my vegetables from who had a knack for infusing a sentence with a more endearments then the sky has clouds. One time I counted about 6 in as little as 2 sentences: ‘ello darlin’, nice to see you cuttiepie, everything alright sweet’art? Okay you look after yourself deary, enjoy the food lovely and see you next time ma love…
As she said all of this, she never once looked me in the eyes. I don’t mention this to criticse her, I say this because well she could be me: so focused on the task at hand I miss the human standing in front of me, or rather so focused on anything at hand because I just can’t be still enough to really be with the person in front of me. Especially when I know that that person sees that I am distracting myself, in order not to be with them.
Ai yi yi.
So this is what I am trying to throw the net open on in my life at the moment: to slow down so that I can be present in those precious moments of spontaneous connection with others.
Although here’s the thing with trying. Even with best intentions sometimes things can be hard to change.
And then I read something last night that gave me a much needed afflatus! It was from Machaelle Small Wright’s book Behaving As If The God In All Things Mattered: A New Ecology where she describes an experience of meeting someone who gave her some pretty golden guidance. The lady mirrored back to her that it was her “frantic desire to know, to obtain knowledge about this new world of the unseen…” that was “blocking” her. So what did Machaelle need to do in order for all that that she was trying to learn to come? “…relax and trust that everything would simply flow…”
And so here I am trying trying trying and sometimes totally missing the mark! And then there is that some of the things here are being really helpful for me! So I am heeding Rachel Kelly’s advise that she gave when I chatted with her a couple of weeks ago and I’m going to relax and “be gentle with (myself).” Hey I might even try some patience.
For there is something for me about trusting life that is undeniably challenging. Okay some moments, ridiculously unfathomable in others.
But well, that’s really where it is for me right now. To be able to look into the eyes of another without rushing away, to be able to feel the nervousness in me and instead of throwing in a bunch of words and la di da’isms to distract us both away from the shared intimacy at hand, stay there and be with that person.
The thing is this is a big thing for me. I have to really bring my awareness to moments like because it can take a quick flick of the head and then I’ve missed that moment – the moment someone was reaching out to connect with me, and actually in a way that I love extraordinarily without words, but because I got flighty, I missed it. For as one of the characters in The Fantoozles said “words are too wordy you see, and sometimes, somethings need someplace else.”
And so it is that for this weekend I am taking things as gentle as a cobweb.
Have a lovely weekend everyone,