There's nothing like thinking you're the only one, only to have this wonderful thought quickly rebuffed.
"You drive me mad." I say to boyfriend.
"You drive me madder." He replies.
But the thing is, as far as life and the people in it are teaching me, when we struggle with something in another, we're really struggling with what it reminds us of what we've repressed in ourselves.
In other words, the part in me that is being driven mad by boyfriend, could just be a messenger wanting to tell me something, but my ego is a bit worried an’ all, so instead of welcoming it in and making it a cup of tea saying, well then: tell me ALL. It’s sort of hissing at it:
Go…I'm fine, just as I am. Don't need no changing!
And then it does this sort of mad merry dance:
I am what I am! It declares. And I’ll stay as I stay! Feeling very pleased with itself that it’s sent away whatever it felt threatened by.
The only thing about that, is that it’s a very lonely place to be… Read More
Sometimes we don't get far. At times, our front door doesn’t even open.
The back door does though and so out we go, into our garden; home to a re-wilding project that is ravaging in ernest. So that through our unmown lawn, roses have emerged from nowhere, which of course at some point must have been a somewhere, a wild orchid has come through, plumes of ragwort and tufts of ferns and dandelions and the white fluffy plant that you blow at to set the fairies free. The threshold of our garden is a thick boarder of blackberry bushes. The flies have got to most of the juciest first. We are not too disappointed.
But sometimes the neurotic mother in me spins out: we must go somewhere! She harps. We must do something! She shrills. And so dog and daughter are hoarded into the car and off we go to the land of something.
But sometimes Little Human sort of whistles at the neurotic mother and another part of me whispers: but what is wrong with here? Everyone is content where they are…And so Little Human and I pick up a bucket and head off with dog and go and look for blackberries. Finding ourselves climbing over the fence at the bottom of the garden and finding some worms instead.
Of course life isn’t a constant and so I don’t always feel at ease in our home environment. Sometimes the tiredness blows me so off centre that all I want is to be totally alone. A mother bear in her cave.
n 2010 I went to meditate for 3 months in northern India. As enlightenment seemed an awfully long away, I started visiting the library at the centre where I was staying for inspiration. One of the books I picked up told a story of a monk who took himself away from everyone to meditate. And the others mentioned this to Buddha and Buddha invited the monk to come and see him. Of course the monk went (imagine Buddha requesting you to come and see him!) and their conversation went something like this:
you’ve taken yourself away?
meditation is easier now?
there is another way.
And Buddha explains how meditation is not about sitting in a quiet, dark room and shushing at anyone who might sneeze or blow their nose, nor taking ourselves far away so that we can concentrate instead it has the potential to happen wherever we are, with whatever is going on. As a friend said to me: it’s not only something we do on our cushions.
This is my latest story...
When my daughter was born I was fascinated to see for myself if it was true: are babies love? But as I sat with and watched and observed Little Human I felt her to be something else and it was very different to the feelings that I had come to think of as love. This is my latest post.
In 2010 I went to India to meditate and whilst there I met a man who became a friend and who I really enjoyed chatting with him about meditation and life and so on. And I remember on one walk he said Laura what is thing love you talk about. And I was kind of stumped because it became immediately obvious in the way I answered him that I had absolutely no idea. Love is… everything? Read More
Some Friday evenings, I'll cook, i'll move around the house and the next day make breakfast and juices and the kitchen becomes a mess and I don’t make the bed and clothes are on the floor and I don’t tidy a thing. The house looks extraordinarily dishevelled.
It’s really quite delightful. Read More
I often wonder how in the lack of a life lived as a community, we as women are asking of men roles traditionally filled by other women? We expect our men to listen to us, emote with and often parent as we parent: "No! do it like this!" Read More
There are heart makers and heart breakers.
I met a wonderful heart maker in Guatemala a wee while ago in 2003. I was staying at a yoga camp beside Lake Atitlan, this huge globe of a lake: calm in the morning, temperamental in the afternoon. And though I forget the exact moment that Ugly and first I met, the memory of her still oscillates around in my chest. In fact, I think there is an Ugly nubdule in me, so that I only need to think of her name and something in me softens… Read More