There are is a question I struggle with: when people close to you want to offer their help when is the time to say yes thank you so much, your support right now is invaluable and when is it time to say you know what, I've got this one, but thank you so much?
Mum, for bearing the brunt of this eternal confusion - this piece is for you: Thank you... x
Under Pressure: Keeping It Simple
Last September my partner and I decided to separate. In many ways the aftermath of that decision was the most potent experience I have yet had of feeling like I was falling apart. When my ex moved out, the builders came to do some work to the house, so that my home turned to a thing of dust with people coming and going but no one staying. My mother, sensing that our home of debris was not the calmest of places to be living for my daughter and I, offered us my old room in her home in Battersea. And so Little Human and I relocated from North London to South London and 9 months later, we're still here...
Next month though it is time for us to spread our wings once more as Little Human and I head to the countryside to rent a little cottage with wild poppies and mole hills in the garden - mole hills! (When I mentioned the MH's to a friend of my mothers, she replied, "You've been in London too long; mole hills are everywhere." Hmm, yes, 32 years...A town mouse who's done a lot of talking and writing and considering and longing and wishing about being a country mouse and now finally exploring if it's all really true. Am I a country mouse? Is it the dirt and mud and trees and walking bare foot and being in nature as much as possible that sings to my heart, or am I totally deluded)?
The proof is in the pride
Last weekend in a bid to prove some internal point that needed to be proved I took Little Human to a Shepherds hut that I had rented through airbandb so we could hang out somewhere a little bit wild. SH turned out to be more wooden hut and we found worms and two ant nests underneath some logs and okay they were really cool and we liked looking at them, but when the ants ran away, all you're really at is some earth with lots of holes in it.
My mother had told me that she had friends coming for the weekend, did we want to come? I felt torn. Torn between proving my independence and then well also hanging out with friends sounded nice. But my pride won out and so I drove Little Human and I to the SH and we got there and it was alright and the next day we went to a farm and then came home for a lunch little Human wouldn't eat and a sleep she wouldn't sleep and then went to a Lido in water that was so cold that even Little Human - lover of water and jumping in again and again - turned to me and said lets go home mummy. So I called my mother in the car and the conversation went something like this:
"Yes darling, come home."
And so we headed to my mothers patch of soil the following morning, a patch of soil that that I have been trying so hard to prove is not my patch of soil, but you know it's quite a fun patch of soil to hang out in. And so we went and hung out with friends and there were kids everywhere and donkeys and shetlands to herd and walls to climb and Little Human had a Mediterranean evening and stayed up till 10pm playing pirates in the garden with some other kids and I stayed up till.... MIDNIGHT!! Ladies and gentleman!! Midnight!! Because midnight & I have only been hanging out with each other in uncomfortable treacherous bouts of insomnia, so to be actually up at that time and wanting to be up and then getting to learn about the incredible fusion of creative combustivity that resulted in Under Pressure (see below) written by Queen & David Bowie and getting to watch my mother and a family friend boogie to the Bee Gees. it wasn't so bad after all...
Deep Sea Digger
Someone once said to me if you keep on digging you'll always find more stuff to dig up. So there has to come a point, when you just get on and live and your practice becomes a way of opening up your mind's ability to appreciate the light in every hole, rather then helping you keep on seeing more holes.
But can we?
Last week I went to a talk with a Buddhist teacher: Khandro Rinpoche. On the second night I took my daughter Little Human who slept in her buggy whilst I listened to the talk; most of which went over my head. But Khandro Rinpoche ended with something infinitely accessible, although perhaps just ever so slightly cheeky because essentially us humans find it more impossible to act and live then something more complicated. Keep it simple she said. Keep it simple...
Last Sunday I got to take the dogs for a walk through the woods. Half way, I stopped and sat and listened to the birds and I am looking at the trees as one of the dogs tries her best to get me to throw her a stone. On the way back we pass through a meadow trembling with wild grasses and I lie down and my dog Bongo comes and wraps himself close to me and I remember a walk in a forest in Ibiza in 2001 when this slumberous sleep pulled me to the earth and I lay down and curled up in the foetal position in the middle of the track and slept: deeply. Then I woke up and carried on walking.
Here's to keeping it simple,
LFraser is sprouting! Please forward onto & share on your favourite social media channel to friends & family you like to keep it simple with. No Pressure needed.